Following a brief stint in the fiery pits of hell, the Führer, Adolf Hitler has returned to the corporeal realm, albeit in the downgraded form of a tabby cat. Or upgraded. Depending on your opinion of cats. And Hitler.
Anyway, we spoke to the tomcat’s owners to find out how they realised their cat was actually the reincarnated avatar of history’s third greatest monster (behind Bigfoot and the person who invented crotch waxing):
“We first suspected that something was wrong when he started standing on some old soap boxes round the back of the house and mrowling to the local cats. We don’t know what he was saying, but it seemed to resonate with them, because pretty soon after there were loads of them listening to him every night.
“The next clue came when Kitler and his pack invaded the local Polish shop – the lot of them rushing in and stealing all of the balls of string and fresh fish. What followed was a great campaign of terror against all of the local businesses, although it eventually came to a halt when Kitler started ignoring his military commanders, and made a number of poor tactical decisions which eventually led to his downfall.
“Following a series of embarrassing defeats, Kitler ran under the house and has been hiding out there ever since – blaming his army of cats for his mistakes, and making speeches to his commanders which he hopes will not be incorrectly subtitled later.”
“Oh, and he’s got a Hitler moustache. Which was the biggest giveaway, if I’m honest.”
Following this fresh embarrassment, many are now wondering what Hitler will be reincarnated as next. Most agree that Lord Buddha will want to punish the Führer for fucking up again by bringing him back as the worst thing imaginable, which has led bookies to speculate on the following:
Any Justin Bieber Fan: 100/1
An eel: 85/1
These idiots who keep paying to see live-action ‘Transformers’ movies – if you didn’t walk out half-way into the first one, then you need to have a fucking word with yourself: 61/1
A bookie: 39/1
One of those people whose fetish is to be eaten by someone else: 18/1
A middle-aged voter who votes for whoever the most recent incarnation of the Fascist party is and then gets all shocked when said party behaves completely to type. Although, obviously, we need to be nice to these people to bring them back on side, but what the fuck!? Seriously!? Could you not have learnt five minutes worth of Earth history in the several decades that you’ve been alive, or would that have been too much of a bother for you? But obviously, yes, it’s not your fault – happy to have you on board: 9/1
An eel who is also a fan of Justin Bieber and the live-action Transformer movies: 5/1
A Justin Bieber lookalike who is a fan of five eels that he keeps in his trousers and believes are actually 1 Direction: 3/1
Justin Bieber’s pet eel: 2/1
Justin Bieber: 1/1
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